I continue to bask in the glow of my first grandchild (Delaney Joanne McCullough) born on January 16, 2012. But this blog has been welling up inside me and it’s time to give birth to my insights on babies, hospitals, deliveries and even a little about grandparents.
When Delaney is old enough, she will know that waiting for her to arrive (in the Waiting Room) were BOTH sets of grandparents, her aunts and her second cousin, who will probably be referred to as an "aunt" to avoid lengthy family tree explanations. My family is notorious for calling friends and close acquaintances as "Aunt" or "Uncle". Apparently, we don’t want to confuse the little ones by introducing non-blood folk as "Hey Delaney, this is the dude that was doing body shots off your aunt last week in a bar", or "Delaney, I want you to meet Sabrina. Your uncle un-stuck her from a pole at the Executives Den a few months ago". Delaney won’t care as long as there’s a little something in the envelope or presents under the tree from these folks.
Miracle of BIRTH? Yes.The VISUAL of BIRTH, No!......I mentioned in a FaceBook posting that Delaney entered our world through God’s doorway. I meant every sentimental word of it. But now let’s get to reality. My wife gave birth to three wonderful girls. I was there for all three. I witnessed their ACTUAL entry into the world ZERO TIMES!..Being in Law Enforcement for over 30 years, I witnessed the birth of 2 babies unexpectedly. Now I gotta tell ya, I am a BIG fan of the mature adult female form. But any man who tells you that witnessing the VISUAL of birth doesn’t remind him of (pick any) ALIEN movies, well that just means he never saw those classics.
The two times I was an unwilling observer as a cop, I expected to see Sigourney Weaver as Ripley hanging around. Regardless, there is always some family member or actual participant that feels the need to capture this on film for some sort of perverse posterity. No question the baby being born certainly is God’s gift. However, the accompanying bouillabaisse of "YEECH" and "BLEECH" that are discarded may well be the wrapping and bows.
No Lie…..While in the waiting room, a "clan" of maybe 9 people came in that I swear to God all looked like Cletus from the Simpsons cartoon. The apparent matriarch of the clan was so Uber-Pregnant that she looked like a Rocky Mountain tick ready to bust. She went to the intercom (where you have to be buzzed into the delivery area) and she said, "Yeah, I’m here for my 11:30 caesarian". She appeared in a hurry and I couldn’t help but think she had to get back to K-Mart because she only had an hour for lunch.
A note to my wonderful son-in-law, Sean……….Upon changing my oldest daughter for the first few times (who also happens to be Sean’s wife), I was very nervous and scared. Changing a little baby girl’s diapers for the first 100 times can be somewhat intimidating. If they deposited a "veggie burger like pattie", it was quite an easy clean up. However, whenever the formula changed or the diet changed or their poor little tummies were upset, then that could mean a crap-grenade of epic proportion. The first few times I had to clean this haz-mat area up, my wife became extremely impatient at my very delicate, unsure and un-intrusive way of wiping. After her repeated verbal drilling of "front to back", it was now just a matter of getting a disinfectant wipe into the "nooks and crannies" just like an English Muffin. In having to do this, I was praying that I would not scar my baby for life or that she would bring up some repressed memory of this to a shrink or, God forbid, she join Sabrina up on stage. From that day forward, I would NEVER be a fan of the Brazilian wax thing.
………..To my Mandy, who had the best example in the world to be a fantastic mommy..why does 80% of the hundreds of photos we have already of Delaney show her naked? Please refer to the above paragraph.
What’s in a name?..........I have been kidding my beautiful bride and newly ordained grandma, Joanne about her nickname. She hopes Delaney will call her Granma JoJo. I had to explain to her that a JOJO is a "seasoned French fry". And besides, she said, "What’s in a name?"……..We both laughed til I remembered about 15 years ago when my nephew told me about how he and a couple of college roommates were playing corn-hole. I still haven’t recovered from that…………………
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